you touched my heavy heart; and made it light

This song describes my situation down to the very last word.
So exact that it’s scary.

but, I hope that I’ll turn out to be more than useless. =)

Relient K, More Than Useless

I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I’ll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

Whats the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I’ve lost all my value
I can’t find it, not in the least bit
and I’m just scared, so scared that I’ll fail you

And sometimes I think that I’m not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all
But then you assure me

I’m a little more than useless
And when I think that I can’t do this
You promise me that I’ll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

So I say if I can’t, do something significant
I’ll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial, that life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet, that regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

And sometimes I think that I’m not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all
But then you assure me

I’m a little more than useless
And when I think that I can’t do this
You promise me that I’ll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world’s doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time , it’s my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like he would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know

I’m a little more than useless
When I think that I can’t do this
You promise me that I’ll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

I really need that Alt+F4 in my life

No matter how much I try to smile or be positive, someone will just come by and slap me in the face and expect me to say it’s alright.

Not everyone can handle being Jesus. I’ve just had it up to here putting on a face and trying to appear that everything is fine.

How we define friends can be interpreted into so many other things. Sadly I’ve come to the conclusion friends can be only be acquaintances with benefits. Nothing more. I’d prefer strangers to friends. At least they won’t try to pretend to give a shit about you.

I’m not usually someone who whines about something, but every time someone talks to me, I can’t shake the feeling they only want something or just to feel good about themselves. Heck. Even I do that sometimes.

Cut the crap and stop pretending like you care. You want something get to the point. So I don’t have to pretend like you make me feel better.

Heh.

Staying away from everyone is what the doctor recommended just so I don’t die an early death.

baggages.

I looked around.

Nothing could have puzzled me more than the sight of mere grey baggages.

Oh baggages, baggages;
They were all around me, piled from the very bottom of my surroundings,
Up to the very height that my eyes could see,
Neatly piled up varying from shapes and sizes;

This seemed most queer;

Who would have such an interest to collect baggages;
When they all seem the same with their monotonous colour,
‘I must be lost,’ I thought;
Or someone had played me for a fool.

A strange new environment,
So intriguing;
Yet so intimidating.

I walked on and on,
And as towers and towers of baggages looked over me,
There was one detail that caught my eye,
Strangely, every bag was tagged.

“September, 2006.” was written on the card;
Attached was a big suitcase,
I believed I could fit myself comfortably in there!
The only problem was that the baggage was weighed down.
By thousands of others on top.

Encouraged by a strange motive and curiosity,
I pulled, and pulled.
With all my might.

Curiosity killed that cat, they say.

That curiosity nearly killed me.

I found myself beneath thousands of baggages.
Weighed down beneath a force beyond my capacity to handle.

I couldn’t pick myself up.
I cried.

There wasn’t anyone that could hear me.

I noticed the baggage I was pulling was in front of me.
The tag has changed.

Now it says:
“Loneliness.”

I remember I have seen that tag before.
But I was too busy trying to take the weight on my shoulders.

I’m sorry.

thoughts at midnight and beyond

i should rethink my blog title.
lately these days thoughts been adding weight to my head, i’m surprised i’m not a few kgs heavier.

Guess they count thoughts in joules then. I could power a whole town.

They say that a optimistic person spends most of their time looking up into the sky.
So i suppose a pessimistic person would spend most of their time staring at the floor.

I do both things pretty equally.
So now i’m just indifferent.

here I am again, debating with myself again.
I really do think what has changed in me.

The sleepless nights I find so desperately calming.
I just wish that i could contain all these thoughts,
and just power a town.

I haven’t really thought about myself though.
Why is it that others gets a place in my head and not myself?
There you go again.

How long more?

When will it stop?

Take it away.

and I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light

indelible, intangible thoughts

all time low. rock bottom. six feet under.

oh gosh.
I really wish that I could feel those feelings right now.

Cause feeling nothing isn’t cool. I would rather be feeling like crap.

Oh where did all my feelings go?

The things that i’ve done wrong, i can’t forget.
Forgiving seems like the best thing to do,
But turns out, i can’t forgive myself, let alone forgive others.

The things i hold in my heart, it’s stains are indelible,
The pain i feel each night, surprisingly they somehow comfort,
Unlike the joys i feel, they come and go, laid forgotten when needed.

My mind betrays my heart like how a son betrays his mother,
Although some may protest, I say nay; it’s betrayal is abundant in many,
Whom ever believes their hearts are pure, still lives in denial.

The battle with oneself forgoes the privileges of innocence,
Taking up arms in forms of accusation, bitterness, anger;
But coherently, none would end without blaming oneself.

Self-pity is like a seductress, constantly waiting, watching,
‘Come,’ she says, ‘no one is ever going to know.’
She then strips all dignity away, leaving nothing but masks for cover.

Intangible thoughts does the opposite;
Clearing lies taught by others, forcing you to think for yourself,
And yet we wonder, ‘Why is my mind so scattered?’

I believe, without a doubt, coincidences do not happen,
Everything here shall remain a mystery,
But leaving footprints behind, for those who seek answers,
Whom are aware of the times we are in,
May these intangible thoughts be a warning,

Think for yourself.

I am not who i really percept,
Leaving in my wake a magnitude of masks,
As i pick up many others whom many have thrown away.

I do not know why.
I do not know when.
I do not know how.

But I do know Who.
I need a reason.
And that reason is You.

I need a change.

Biology

Somehow biology and me just don’t work out.
Nothing’s going in.

Anyway here’s a song.

Just to shake things up.

David Crowder, How Great